i feel like shit. so fat. ergh. fuck. like 1900cals already and i only got up like 2 hours ago. i’m disgusting. i disgust myself. i need to work out, but i can’t hoop unless i have a crop top on (cause i get too hot) and i don’t even wanna look at my belly, or unless i’m outside (otherwise i get too hot) and i don’t wanna let anyone see my belly.. god, i’m disgusting.

i look stupid and fat and ugly in every single thing i try on, i hate going out. blah blah teenage attention seeking i don’t give a fuck, i look like shit. i genuinely hate my body. i wanna smash all the mirrors in my house because they keep making me cry. the clothes i bought that looked good in the shops are suddenly too tight or too loose or just generally look like shit. i wish i could just curl up in my bed and stay there forever and i’d never have to go out. i hate it.

i’m sitting here with a blade and i genuinely don’t know how to stop myself. i’m scared. i’m so tired of feeling like this, at such random moments, so fucking hopeless. each time i don’t know if it’ll end at all and it feels like it lasts forever. i’m so up and down, my emotions are all over the place and there’s nothing i can do. i don’t know what else to turn to, i guess i know how she felt now. because of her, from her, i’ve learnt that ‘pathetic’ is truly the worst, most disgusting, horrible thing to be called and to feel, and that’s what i am right now. pathetic.

i miss that part, obviously.
but i miss how we used to talk about cuddling afterwards, cause it was as close as we could come.
how you used to say you’d hold me when i was sad, and tell me to shut up and kiss me for half an hour when i was being silly and gloomy.
talk about me wearing your t-shirt and my underwear and just laying there with you.
when you told me you’d like me to remind you what it felt like waking up next to a pretty girl.
you used to call me beautiful, say i was amazing.
i guess lack of (virtual) sex changes things.

i should cry less.

</pathetic little rant>